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Hero Quest
Prologue: Resignation
A man stood on a cliff overlooking a small village. His silver hair clashed with his swarthy skin in a seemingly unnatural manner. On his right hand was a silver gauntlet, and on his right hip was a black scabbard that housed a curved sword. Two things were obvious about this man: one, he was someone significant; and two, he was not someone to be trifled with.
Behind him, a cluster of soldiers in red armor stood on the sparsely vegetated mountainside. One of them detached herself from the group and walked up to him, carrying her helmet under her arm. The soldier glanced behind her, and then said, "Commander Sirinus, the weapon is ready."
"Good. Give the command to fire," the man replied. His voice had a wispy quality.
The soldier turned and began to walk back, but then hesitated. She gritted her teeth and then turned back to face her superior. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Commander," she said, her voice trembling slightly.
Sirinus turned around to face her. "What?" he said icily.
"You would have us slaughter an entire village…. To what end? Is this just another meaningless display of force?"
"The executive decisions of the empress are none of your concern, Captain," he replied in a measured voice. "I will tell you one more time: Give the command to fire the weapon."
"I'm afraid, Commander… that you can't give that kind of order to a civilian," the captain said unsteadily. "I'm resigning."
Sirinus grinned wickedly. "Is that so? In that case, here's a different kind of order." He raised his gauntleted hand and pointed at the captain. A terrible power seemed to radiate from the hand; the air around it shimmered. The captain began to tremble and dropped her helmet to the ground.
"Go to the village," Sirinus said firmly. "Stay there."
A look of abject terror on her face, the captain began to walk in jerky, tortured motions, taking a path that led down the cliff.
Sirinus watched for several minutes as she made her way toward the settlement. The other soldiers murmured amongst themselves, but none dared to confront him.
Lamenting that his subordinate was unable to perform her simple task, Sirinus recognized that the burden now fell on him. He had always hated raising his voice.
"FIRE!"
Prologue: Resignation
A man stood on a cliff overlooking a small village. His silver hair clashed with his swarthy skin in a seemingly unnatural manner. On his right hand was a silver gauntlet, and on his right hip was a black scabbard that housed a curved sword. Two things were obvious about this man: one, he was someone significant; and two, he was not someone to be trifled with.
Behind him, a cluster of soldiers in red armor stood on the sparsely vegetated mountainside. One of them detached herself from the group and walked up to him, carrying her helmet under her arm. The soldier glanced behind her, and then said, "Commander Sirinus, the weapon is ready."
"Good. Give the command to fire," the man replied. His voice had a wispy quality.
The soldier turned and began to walk back, but then hesitated. She gritted her teeth and then turned back to face her superior. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Commander," she said, her voice trembling slightly.
Sirinus turned around to face her. "What?" he said icily.
"You would have us slaughter an entire village…. To what end? Is this just another meaningless display of force?"
"The executive decisions of the empress are none of your concern, Captain," he replied in a measured voice. "I will tell you one more time: Give the command to fire the weapon."
"I'm afraid, Commander… that you can't give that kind of order to a civilian," the captain said unsteadily. "I'm resigning."
Sirinus grinned wickedly. "Is that so? In that case, here's a different kind of order." He raised his gauntleted hand and pointed at the captain. A terrible power seemed to radiate from the hand; the air around it shimmered. The captain began to tremble and dropped her helmet to the ground.
"Go to the village," Sirinus said firmly. "Stay there."
A look of abject terror on her face, the captain began to walk in jerky, tortured motions, taking a path that led down the cliff.
Sirinus watched for several minutes as she made her way toward the settlement. The other soldiers murmured amongst themselves, but none dared to confront him.
Lamenting that his subordinate was unable to perform her simple task, Sirinus recognized that the burden now fell on him. He had always hated raising his voice.
"FIRE!"
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So, here's the first chapter of my fantasy story, Hero Quest. I'd originally envisioned it as a light-hearted pastiche of Japanese role-playing video games, similar to the webcomics Adventurers! and RPG World. However, it quickly became a much more serious work. I do still intend to lampoon elements of JRPGs in future chapters, though; it should end up as a dramedy.
Questions, comments, and especially constructive criticism are appreciated.
(Notice the double meaning of the chapter's title - it could refer to either the soldier or Sirinus.)
EDIT: Seriously, watchers? It's been two weeks and nobody's commented! I guess I'll just talk some more about the work to myself.
Originally, I was going to make a joke in the first paragraph about there being "ominous background music", but as I wrote the rest of the chapter, I realized that the humor didn't really fit with the tone. So I went with a more subtle joke about how characters with unique appearances tend to be important to the story. Also, I decided I didn't want to do any overt fourth wall breaking. Hero Quest does not take place in a world that runs by the rules of a role-playing video game. Instead, as you'll see beginning with chapter two, it incorporates the bizarre elements of the genre and tries to explain them rationally.
Edit 8/16/12 - I made some revisions, including adding more description, and changed it from chapter one to the prologue.
Chapter 1
Questions, comments, and especially constructive criticism are appreciated.
(Notice the double meaning of the chapter's title - it could refer to either the soldier or Sirinus.)
EDIT: Seriously, watchers? It's been two weeks and nobody's commented! I guess I'll just talk some more about the work to myself.
Originally, I was going to make a joke in the first paragraph about there being "ominous background music", but as I wrote the rest of the chapter, I realized that the humor didn't really fit with the tone. So I went with a more subtle joke about how characters with unique appearances tend to be important to the story. Also, I decided I didn't want to do any overt fourth wall breaking. Hero Quest does not take place in a world that runs by the rules of a role-playing video game. Instead, as you'll see beginning with chapter two, it incorporates the bizarre elements of the genre and tries to explain them rationally.
Edit 8/16/12 - I made some revisions, including adding more description, and changed it from chapter one to the prologue.
Chapter 1
© 2012 - 2024 Gamecubist48
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This chapter feels more like a prologue. It's a little short and I can't tell the main theme quite yet. Neither is there a strong enough connection with the characters at this time. It isn't a big deal and this chapter is still great as it is, but I would suggest calling this a prologue or introduction.
After you gave Sirinus' name, feel free to use it at will, but with some careful choice. "The man" becomes a bit outdated.
This chapter could use a little more description. What are their surroundings? Any details on what the soldiers are wearing or look like? Maybe even add a little clip about the horse, so the vision looks a bit less like he's just floating there?
In the second paragraph, you use "her" four times in a row. Maybe use the opportunity to flow in some character description of this unnamed character? Maybe try to work in a name too so a better connection can be established between her and the reader. I remember reading somewhere that characters with names tend to have a more intimate connection with the creator and any readers/viewers. That's one reason why many short clips involving single-use characters avoid giving names. (once again, it's what I read somewhere and I do agree)
Try to turn away as best as you can from overusing such verbs as "said" or "replied". More descriptive ones are always preferable. It may even be a good idea to take the time and write down a list, starting with various emotions; happy, sad, scared, angry, etc. and then list all the single-word speech verbs you can think of for each emotion. This exercise is very useful and can be updated however often you think of a new one! This will save a lot of time during dialogue.
Overall, this is a good and well-written piece, and I will enjoy reading the other chapters and maybe critiquing those, if you wish. Thank you, and I hope this was useful!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
Devious Rating
Vision:
Originality:
Technique:
Impact:
This chapter feels more like a prologue. It's a little short and I can't tell the main theme quite yet. Neither is there a strong enough connection with the characters at this time. It isn't a big deal and this chapter is still great as it is, but I would suggest calling this a prologue or introduction.
After you gave Sirinus' name, feel free to use it at will, but with some careful choice. "The man" becomes a bit outdated.
This chapter could use a little more description. What are their surroundings? Any details on what the soldiers are wearing or look like? Maybe even add a little clip about the horse, so the vision looks a bit less like he's just floating there?
In the second paragraph, you use "her" four times in a row. Maybe use the opportunity to flow in some character description of this unnamed character? Maybe try to work in a name too so a better connection can be established between her and the reader. I remember reading somewhere that characters with names tend to have a more intimate connection with the creator and any readers/viewers. That's one reason why many short clips involving single-use characters avoid giving names. (once again, it's what I read somewhere and I do agree)
Try to turn away as best as you can from overusing such verbs as "said" or "replied". More descriptive ones are always preferable. It may even be a good idea to take the time and write down a list, starting with various emotions; happy, sad, scared, angry, etc. and then list all the single-word speech verbs you can think of for each emotion. This exercise is very useful and can be updated however often you think of a new one! This will save a lot of time during dialogue.
Overall, this is a good and well-written piece, and I will enjoy reading the other chapters and maybe critiquing those, if you wish. Thank you, and I hope this was useful!
The Artist thought this was FAIR